Passing The Light
by inferre
Summary: That would be the start of the story of which Out of the Darkness should be a prologue. A SqueeJohnny story. No worries, no yaoi... yet? this one's in progress. Still. Updated after two years. :D Turned to M, because it's becoming quite a horror.
1. Together

D.i.s.c.l.a.m.e.r.

The world described in this fictional story and it's characters belong to JCV. I have no rights.

_**01 – Together.**_

"I want to stay here forever!" Todd had been unbelievably energetic since the day his friend Johnny came back from his _vacation_. Years of endless dreaming came true! Nny came back and was there for his Squee!

"That's very nice of you…" sighed Nny looking at the ceiling. They were both staring at it for some time. Nny lying on the sofa and Todd sitting on the floor next to it. C. could not focus on his thoughts. Why was he supposed to let the boy stay? He was no family of his. No rights. He had a sort of father-like feelings for him but feelings are just feelings. Nny knew one should not trust their feelings. They betray. From his long trip Johnny remembered one thing – betrayal hurts like nothing else in the world. He closed his eyes and imagined being here alone just like it was few years ago… Talking to bunny and sometimes to people who had the chance to rot in his basement. Would that be the same with someone around? Of course not – he answered that stupid question quickly. Nothing stays the same when you have company…

"You can't stay here, Squee"

Todd closed his eyes.

"I know" he replied slowly.

"I mean" Johnny started explaining "You have a family out there, and you're not an adult, can you imagine how much trouble it would be to hide you here?"

"Like you ever cared about police or law!"

The boy stood up and looked at Nny.

"Did you know that all those years all I dreamed was seeing you again? Time passed and I thought I would forget about you… but I did not! The feeling of emptiness felt stronger and stronger and I could not fight it the normal way! I had no idea what to do with it…"

Johnny slowly began to change his position on the sofa. Before Squee ended the sentence, the man was sitting. He brushed his raven hair using his thin fingers. The boy shivered. They both knew a serious conversation had just started.

"Who did you kill?"

That was the only question Nny asked. And instantly Squee felt like he was again ten years old. Shy and scared of the future. With Nny to be the only one who really cared for him. And it seems the only one to know Squee better than everyone else.

"I… I did not kill anyone!" Todd screamed like a child. It sent shivers down Nny's spine. It should not. After all – Squee was still a child. How old could he be? Johnny wasn't sure if it was fifteen or sixteen. The thin fingers scratched Nny's neck. He narrowed his eyes, aiming them at Todd.

"I know, Squee. I know that feeling you were talking about. The emptiness…" Nny stood up and walked on to the wall, ignoring Todd. The boy turned his head looking at Johnny.

"It was always with you, wasn't it?" the man leaned on the wall. They were a few knives stuck in it. It felt like he had never left his place. A little smile showed on Nny's lips.

"Yes…"

"So, Todd, who was it?"

Squee did not answer. Johnny sighed.

"If it was an animal… I do hope it had a proper burial. You know… Animals are innocent, not like people… you should not kill animals… I remember killing my neighbor's dog once. I was a little younger than you. I hit him on the head with a baseball bat, you know. I did it because the owner was doing bad things to the poor animal. Not to mention it was barking all day long and I could not focus on the important things… The barking was making g me crazy!"

"So… you've killed a dog instead of the owner?"

"Oh, I killed the owner too. I think it was the night after killing Barky, the poor dog. You know, that was my first well planned murder. I took a shovel, a long bent, some chemicals from the kitchen, you know, to feed him with it.. God, how he screamed… He kept calling Barky…" Johnny started laughing. Todd wasn't sure if it was the memory of the murder or the situation that made the man laugh, but he knew one – he was frightened. And, what seemed worse, ready for confession. He just could not hear more…

"OK! Alright! I did kill someone!" he shouted and Nny went silent instantly.

"Who?"

"My… my P.E. teacher… I… I pushed him into the river when we had our exercises outside…"

"Don't tell me the teacher could not swim!"

"Well… he drowned. But there was no one around. I was the only suspect but the jury decided it was suicide… you should have seen my father when he found out. He was sure they would get me to jail…"

Todd was sitting on the sofa. Nny came closer and looked at the boy's face.

"You know, I've always hated that father of yours… And I think I'll chose him for my next murder…" Squee's face didn't move. He was sitting there silently. Johnny knew the years changed his beloved human. But he had not discovered if he'd like those changes.

"You want to stay here, don't you?"

"You know that!"

Nny grinned and started whispering.

"If you kill your parents, I'll consider that possibility."

Todd opened his mouth but could not say anything. Nny turned around and went to the basement. He opened the door and put his right foot on the stairs still smiling.

"And a happy birthday, Todd." he said before going straight to the darkness.


	2. As simple as it gets

_**D.i.s.c.l.a.m.e.r.**_

The world described in this fictional story and it's characters belong to JCV. I have no rights.

_Thanks to everyone who kept commenting. Without the comments there would be no other chapters. ;) This story is still in progress._

_**02 – As simple as it gets.**_

Happy birthday... Yes, Todd, you have to be happy with the fact that... Squee didn't finish this sentence in his head, oh no. He did however put his fingers on the door and pushed it, so he could enter the living room. Dad wasn't there. Probably still at work. He had a movable computer these days, so there was no need for him to come home straight from work. Actually, Todd was pretty sure that he wasn't his father's only child, and that somewhere, let's say on the other side of the town, was a happy, loving home, where Squee Senior (Nny sometimes called him that way) lived a carefree life.

"Nah" Squee shook his head. Impossible. His father wasn't the child-having type. But, unfortunately, he was also not the rich type, which ended in him and his wife having their first and only son. Sometimes Todd wondered, especially when he became interested in reincarnation, where would his soul have lived if mom and dad could afford an abortion. Somewhere safe maybe? Far away from this shithole – as he used to call the town he grew up in.

"Grew up in, never left and committed suicide at the age of twenty" Todd could hear himself whisper. That was the best scenario he could come up with. Well, that was until Johnny came back.

It seemed as if everything Squee did for the last few years was always relating to that man. Although it felt good to have a different (maybe the most sane of them all?) point of view, it was still odd. Because Nny was a stranger. It doesn't matter that they've been neighbors for some time Was there even any kind of communication between them? Todd could swear he remembered talking to Nny numerous times, but it could have also been his mind playing tricks on him.

"You don't seem to get any saner" was that a voice he had heard or was he just mumbling to himself? Squee turned around rapidly. Nothing. No one was there. Come to think of it – no one was there for most of his life. No one to help him deal with the trouble he had trying to socialize during his worst pre-teen years.

"Nny would have helped me" he tried not to whisper, but the words were just going from his mouth. There was no way to stop them. It almost seemed as if Todd had no power over his own body. Was his mind too weak to overcome it?

Maybe. It felt that way, while he was looking at all the butcher knives his mother kept in the kitchen. She must have been collecting them for years. Perhaps to be prepared for that one day, when she would finally snap and murder her family. Her son, Squee had to precise that term. She wouldn't kill her family, because there was none. It has always been the father, his wife and the child. Sometimes they called him 'it'. Maybe just for the fun of it. Maybe.

"Whoooz heeeerre?" even though she'd almost never leave her bed, his mother's voice would sound like she was standing next to the person hearing it. Todd had never gotten used to that phenomenon and every time he heard her screeching (like some kind of old door), it sent shivers down his spine. No exception. This time she picked a bad time for her daily screams.

Squee's hands started shaking. He couldn't help it. One of the knives he had pulled from the pile in the drawer was still between his fingers. He tried to stay focused, but how could he? After years of the same inhuman treatment it's not easy to go back. But to where actually? Was there even a point from which he could start a new life?

Of course there was.

Nny.

Those three letters meant everything. Life, death, new beginning, they were able to put an end to everything bad that had happened during his whole miserable life.

"What are you doing?" this time it wasn't Squee's voice nor his thoughts. Before he found a chance to react, his father's fingers pressed on Todd's hand and gently put the knife back in the drawer.

"Nothing" Squee tried to answer in a calm, deep voice. But trying is not always the best way. "Leave me alone".

"Hey, what's with the attitude?"

Todd could swear that even though he wasn't facing his father, he was about to get hit. He had a hunch. Quite a good one.

Fortunately, mother started screaming. She must have been in a lot of pain. Squee didn't care. She did this to herself. Almost destroyed her brain with all the pills she's been popping. Doctors said it was a miracle, she was still alive. However, Todd would have said it was the worst thing that could have happened to this house.

Apart from the fact that he was born.

Todd's father hurried upstairs to check on his wife. Squee was actually curious if the man was doing this, because he really cared or had this become some kind of habit. It wasn't an easy guess, though.

Squee knew this wasn't the best time to follow Nny's instructions. Not yet. On the other hand, he knew that without this kind of commitment, he had nothing. Nothing at all.

"I knew you couldn't do it"

Todd turned to the window. Again, no one was there. But he could swear…

"Coward…"

Stop with the voices. Stop torturing me with these games!

"This is what you call a job well done, huh? I bet you were lying about that teacher of yours. I don't like liers, Todd. You know, oh, you know, what I love to do to people who deny the truth."

The floor upstairs started creaking. Someone was going down the stairs. Todd didn't want to find out if it was his father or the man he thought was his friend and a long lost soulmate.

Who was he kidding? He had no soulmates. He had always been alone.

Trying his best not to cry, Squee ran out of the house.

"I hate you!" he yelled at the abandoned house. "I fucking hate you, Johnny!"


	3. The Alchemy of Ink and Blood

_**D.i.s.c.l.a.m.e.r.**_

The world described in this fictional story and it's characters belong to JCV. I have no rights.

_Ha! It's still in progress and I hope it's getting somewhere. It's not for me to decide, I'm just an author. Have a nice read. Yeah._

_**03 – The alchemy of ink and blood**_

_She didn't move an inch. Lying in that bed like nothing has changed. Nothing at all. Her body pale like __the day I first saw her. I remember looking at her foggy eyes. She couldn't see me, even if I wanted her to. _

_And I did. _

_My hand slowly touched her half-smiled mouth and then my fingers clenched on her cheeks. She didn't make a sound. It was impossible. I put my other hand under her hair._

_It was sticky in a funny way. _

_The red liquid felt weird. My fingers couldn't tell if it was really blood or some kind of syrup. Only my eyes and nose could help them with finding the proof. I already noticed it was red and the smell of metal (was it iron?) almost burned the inside of my nose._

_I started breathing trough my mouth. It wasn't a good idea. _

_The stench of blood and flesh made me sick. I turned my head away from the bed and vomited. Horrible feeling. Now my mouth was also burning._

_I gazed at her body again._

"_Who did this?" – I whispered even though I was alone. I've always been alone. _

_No one would answer. Even if God should. He didn't. It's funny how the priests say God's everywhere and somehow he keeps missing the times when he's needed the most._

_So there she was. My mother. Dead. When that thought finally touched my mind, I was able to finish what I started. My clenched fingers haven't eased a bit. I pulled the head. Finally, I was looking into my mother's eyes the way it always should have been. From the same position. _

_No more looking at me from a far, mom._

_Surprisingly, my own eyes started filling with salty water. Tears. Was it the first time I've actually cried? Maybe. _

_Nothing was sure at a night like this._

_Even the years of endless punishment and humiliation could have been easily erased._

_Because nothing erases the memory of a child better than a tragedy. A tragedy of great proportions that is._

_Just like a death of a parent._

_Judging by loyalty in feelings – children are like dogs. Fortunate, people start changing their point of view, when they age. Sadly, dogs don't._

_I feel sorry for dogs._

"But you could never feel sorry for humans, right?"

Todd closed Nny's die-ary and smirked in a sad way. He had read that note hundreds of times before, but every time he turned to C's memoirs, he would discover something new and interesting. This time he was sure, he had found the reason Johnny was trying to convince him to murder his parents.

Nny wanted to make Squee as similar to him, as it was possible. But Todd couldn't let him do that. Especially after that cheap lie about the PE teacher. Anyone could tell Todd was lying. He might have been a good writer even for his age, but he was no liar. No one actually taught the boy how to lie.

Johnny would have. If he didn't go away that night.

C's die-ary returned to Todd's rucksack. The paper was useless now. Squee started wondering, if Johnny would notice that his notes were gone. Probably not. The last time they saw each other it seemed as if the man had a lot of things to finish.

"Somebody's gonna die soon…"

Todd's eyes looked up at the sky. The moon was shining brightly and clouds were moving slowly, like they were looking for someone worth raining on. Squee was pretty sure he was going to be the chosen one.

The night was cold and so was the cemetery wall on which Todd was leaning. Even though he was sitting outside the graveyard, he felt like he was one of those already buried. Cold, lonely and empty on the inside.

What he was hoping for anyway? That it takes only one man to free him from the last sixteen years of his life? That it will only take a seconds to forget about everything?

Yes. That's exactly what he wanted. To forget.

"Some people are like dogs" he summed up his thoughts. Nny's notes were wrong at one point. Not only children can be as trustful as canines.

He curled up a bit and put his own arms around himself. No one has ever touched this body in such a way. It was hungry for emotion.

The shadows protected Squee from being seen. He chose that special place for the night. He didn't want to spend the night at home. Not after what he almost did, or what he did not do. Hiding was the best way to get over the feeling of disappointment. Besides, mother and father would not notice his disappearance. Once, when he was twelve, Todd left the house for two nights just to make sure he was right about his parents. It took him a lot of time to come to terms with the fact, that really don't care.

He couldn't hear Nny's voice anymore, which was a great relief.

"Incredible" he thought instantly "You crave someone so bad, but still find reasons to avoid seeing them again"

"Incredible, indeed"

That voice. Again.

Squee shook his head. That was impossible. There was no one there. And even if… It couldn't have been…

Todd took a deep breath and turned his away. The street was empty and the only sound was the wind lazily stroking the leaves of the trees around.

"Not quite" he heard above his forehead. His eyes widened, when he looked up.

Jonny was sitting on the cemetery wall. Grinning insanely, like he always did, but his pupils were somehow focused. Squee could tell the man wasn't quite happy with him. But he didn't care.

"What are you.."

"I came to find you" Johnny was serious. Too serious.

"Why?"

Squee wanted to act tough. Like he didn't need the sympathy.

"Because someone should have. And obviously I was the only one who could do that"

Todd snickered.

"Cause you feel obliged?"

Johnny smiled the way Squee had never seen him before. It was a warm, yet cunning smirk.

"No" Nny replied slowly "Because I actually care"


	4. I think I thought I saw you cry

_**D.i.s.c.l.a.m.e.r.**_

The world described in this fictional story and it's characters belong to JCV. I have no rights.

_Don't worry. It's not the end, oh, no, no, not by a long shot. ;) Anyway thanks for all the reviews and comments. They really mean a lot. The only reason why I'm not uploading stories faster is that I am quite a busy guy. Seriously. Don't mind me. Enjoy and have a happy new year 2009. :]  
_

_**04 – I think I thought I saw you cry**_

Todd tried looking like he didn't notice Nny at all. What should he anyway? There was nothing between them. Nothing official that is. Anyone could tell that the boy wasn't as indifferent to the situation as he'd like to be.

"You don't seem convinced"

Squee didn't answer and didn't move an inch although it was cold and he started shivering.

"Todd...?"

Johnny jumped off the cemetery wall and also leaned on it. A few minutes passed in total silence. Squee could hear the man's heavy breathe. Nny kept his mouth open and his eyes shut. Todd could swear there was a gentle humming sound every time the air from Johnny's lungs met the outside cold.

"Squee..."

The man's whispers were rusty, almost impossible to take. They were driving Todd crazy, literally stabbing his brain.

"What?!" it felt as if screaming was the only remedy. Squee put a lot of effort in that aggressive question. But Nny didn't look surprised. On the contrary. He enjoyed it.

His numb lips immediately morphed into the insane grin Todd remembered from his childhood.

"I heard your screams"

Squee sniffed quietly not sure what Nny meant.

"I wasn't screaming"

Seeing the boy shivering, Johnny took off his trench coat and covered Todd with it. Squee didn't object. Maybe because he was too shocked to do that.

"You were. Just outside your house. You said you fucking hated me"

"Well, maybe I had a reason!"

Johnny focused his sight on Todd's face.

"I never said you hadn't"

Squee had enough of those mind games. In a quick move he threw the trench coat at Nny.

"Will you stop that?! What do you want from me?! I couldn't do it, I couldn't kill my parents, that's not who I want to be, that's not me! I don't want to be you!"

"Yet you lied about that teacher"

"Because I wanted you to be proud, I needed a link, something that would connect us!"

Nny sat next to Squee. Both looked the opposite ways, just to make sure their eyes won't meet.

"Why?"

Squee pulled his raven hair in anger and hissed.

"Isn't it obvious?"

"Not really"

It looked like the moment had finally came. There was no way to ignore the question. Todd could run away, but suddenly he felt that he had done it too much in his life. He was doing nothing but running away during his whole life. Running from home, school, reality. Maybe, just maybe, the time had come. Maybe he should stop. Finally.

"I love you, Johnny. I loved you ever since I realized you were the only person that could understand me"

He paused for a longer moment and gazed at Nny. The man had his hand on his lips, looking as if that short monologue touched him. Todd was about to add how relieved he felt, being able to finally express his feelings. However, Nny didn't give him the opportunity. He shook his head, smirked and then simply laughed.

Todd's hand started shaking again.

"You don't love me, Todd"

"How do you know?"

Squee's hiss ended with a bad cough. For a moment he thought it was going to leave him breathless.

"You never loved anyone, Johnny!" he gasped insanely. "You have no fucking idea how that feels!"

Johnny act like Squee's words didn't bother him at all. He remained calm and confident. He even started playing with a small rock he found during Todd's highly emotional monologues. Even though it was very dark, he somehow managed to throw the rock up and catch it without a single mistake.

"True" he said finally "I never loved, but I do know the feeling. It's a complicated, almost inexpressive emotion. That word people use to describe it is so inefficient. It doesn't say anything about the various states of mind people in love go trough. _To love_ means to hate every single second without the object, in the meantime it's the frustration of being imperfect, it's fear of being alone again but it's also and mostly something without a reason, something you know is there, but when you look for it, when you try searching for something that would tell you WHY you feel the way you do, will you find it?"

"No" they both answered Nny's question.

"And you know why?"

Todd shook his head.

"Because it's all" Johnny pointed on his forehead "here"

Squee stopped breathing for a second and leaned towards Nny and a second later touched the place he was pointing.

"Here?" he whispered quietly.

"Exactly. Love is in your head, Todd. Because it's similar to insanity. It IS insanity"

"But you can't get rid of it with pills..."

Nny smiled and tried to seer off. He clenched his fingers around the rock which hit the palm of his hand at that very moment.

"You can get rid of everything with pills" he summed.

"Don't run from me..."

"I'm not running" Nny stood up "You are"

"How?"

Todd tried grabbing Johnny's hand, but it kept slipping away. He just wanted to feeling something similar to affection. He didn't care if Nny laughed at him. He craved for at least one touch, a dab.

"You're running from what you really are, Todd. Have you noticed I stopped calling you _Squee_? You're not the person I used to know. You're slowly maturing, but you're doing it wrong"

"I'm not doing anything!"

Nny's fingers stroked Todd's hair.

"Well at least one hasn't change"

Squee looked pretty confused.

"You're still as naive as you were back then. Can you trust a man like me, Todd?"

Nny didn't wait for an answer, he just started walking away.

"No one can" Squee replied with a smirk "That's why I do" he knew that Nny couldn't hear him. But it wasn't important. Still wearing the man's coat, he stood up quickly and followed Johnny.

"You're going to regret this" sighed Nny.

But Todd didn't care.


End file.
